Two Hearts, One Challenge

Samaritans 24 Hour Challenge: Two Hearts – One Challenge

When I lost my son Ryan, everything changed.

The shape of time around us.

The shape of our family and our places within it.

The shape of me as a mother.

Ryan will always be my eldest, my first-born. The one who first called me "Mom". The first Mother's Day card I ever received was his. For 27 years he helped shape my life and who I am today. He stays with me in every step I take and, as the song says, every breath I take.

Ryan had his own dreams, his own sense of humour, his own way of seeing the world. Like every son, he was far more than the way he died. He was loved deeply, and he still is. This challenge is about making sure that love continues to ripple outwards through acts of kindness in his name.

880 days.

125 weeks and 5 days.

28 months and 29 days.

2 years, 4 months and 29 days.

I see time differently now.

There is before Ryan and after Ryan.

While I have carried Ryan in my heart every single day, it has never lessened the pain of not having him alive in the world with us.

My son Ryan died by suicide.

There are no words that can truly explain what it is to lose your child. Grief doesn't end. It changes shape, but it walks beside you every day.

When I try to picture my grief, it is difficult. Sometimes it is like the negative of a photograph being burnt away. All that is left is the photograph itself. No more copies can ever be made. No new memories are possible. The original is forever gone.

At other times it feels like I am standing on the edge of an abyss, stretching my hands out to find him, knowing I never will. Most often, though, my grief manifests itself in emptiness.

The empty space within my arms that my first-born once filled. My arms ache with the knowledge that I will never hold him again. It is a loss beyond words.

I know, with time, I will continue learning to live around that empty space, but I will never stop grieving Ryan. I have been told that "where there is deep love, there is deep grief," and those words comfort me. Other days they tear me apart.

One of the ways I have learned to live with that grief is by trying to turn it into kindness.

Keeping Ryan's memory alive through kindness has become a huge part of how I get through each day.

In those early days, I struggled to function. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to hold my son. I wanted to take away his pain. Like so many bereaved parents, I questioned everything and wondered what I could have done differently. Those thoughts still visit me, even though I know love is not measured by the answers we wish we had.

Last year, I took part in the Samaritans 24 Hour Challenge by spending 24 hours crafting. I knitted bees for BUMBLEance while raising funds for Samaritans, and every stitch was made with Ryan in my heart.

This year, my challenge looks very different.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I've been recovering from shingles and, between illness, work, family life and grief, I've realised just how exhausted I have become.

So this year I'm taking on the Supporters Challenge by doing something that, for me, is surprisingly difficult.

For 24 hours, I will switch off.

·         No social media.

·         No emails.

·         No work.

·         No endless to-do lists.

Just rest.

·         Sleep if I need to.

·         Practise self-care.

·      Read.

·     Reflect.

·     Remember Ryan.

For many of us, especially those who spend our lives caring for others, stopping can feel almost impossible. We convince ourselves there is always one more thing to do, one more person to help, one more responsibility to carry.

This challenge is my reminder that rest isn't something we have to earn. Looking after ourselves matters too.

I'm doing this in Ryan's memory because I want his life to continue making a difference through kindness, compassion and hope.

Every euro raised will help Samaritans continue to answer calls from people who need someone to listen—someone who will be there without judgement, day or night.

Every donation is more than a contribution to my challenge. It is an investment in hope. It helps ensure that when someone reaches out in their darkest moment, there is someone there to answer.

If you're able to support my challenge, I'd be incredibly grateful. If you can't donate, sharing this page would mean just as much.

Thank you for helping me keep Ryan's memory alive through kindness, and for helping Samaritans continue to be there for others when they need it most.

Two Hearts, One Challenge … Because I am not doing this alone. Ryan is part of every act of kindness I put into the world. He always will be.